Emptiness…

Empty.  Alone.  Not here.  One of a thousand different ways I am feeling. Incomplete. A failure. Not worthy.  A nuisance.  A regret. A mistake. Sober.  How did I get to this point?  How did I become so miserable. How did I fail not only myself but my kids as well? The place that I’m at […]

5.11.17

It’s not even noon & I’m faded. Trying to stay awake, trying to think positive, trying to be in the right mindset to deal with people, trying to make it to 4:30.  Every 15-20 minutes it’s time for another.  Block out everything.  I dont care how much it takes. Numb the pain. Numb the agony. […]

5.5.17

3:01 am… Feeling optimistic.  Not stressing BD too much. Instead, focusing on healing from that so I can work on the other healing process.  2:57 pm… Was it too much?  Doing what I can to stay awake. Dealing with the days events. No sleep. Pablo running through my mind, body, and soul. It’s amazing how […]

5.3.2017

10:42 am… New Chapter. Progress is a process, and if you want success, you can’t rush that process.  I have a lot of healing to do. I have a lot of reconstructing & restoring.  My mind, body, & spirit needs to get back to where it was before the hurt, before Pablo, before BD’S return. […]

5.2.2017

10:50 am… Today is trash day. It’s time to remove the toxic waste from my life.  The toxic waste is BD, my family, and Pablo.   I keep giving myself to a man that turned me into the monster that I am today.  I keep obsessing & arguing with a girl that contributed to my […]

4.27.17

9:07 am… The further I go, the less I care.  Is today the day?  Tomorrow?  OD?  Heart Attack?  It’s almost like I’ve given up.  I look at my kids & I know that they are THE ONLY reason why I’m still here.  But even still, the depression becomes so much that I’m battling them.   […]

4.25.17

9:03 a.m…. Sitting outside, sun shining, moodless, not feeling anything but Pablo taking over my body.  Making me numb to any and everything around me.   Thoughts of ML slowly creep into my head.  My body is starting to yearn for him.  I try to control it. I fail everytime.  Pablo is supposed to ease […]