4.25.17

9:03 a.m….

Sitting outside, sun shining, moodless, not feeling anything but Pablo taking over my body.  Making me numb to any and everything around me.  

Thoughts of ML slowly creep into my head.  My body is starting to yearn for him.  I try to control it. I fail everytime. 

Pablo is supposed to ease my mind.  Pablo is supposed to take away the thoughts. Pablo is only intensifying it. 

I yearn & crave 2 things that are so wrong for me. Both are detrimental.  

10:15 am…

The more time I spend with it, the worse my thoughts get. The obsession, the time I spend on someone and something that doesn’t even deserve me, or my time.  

I look at my life now & I can’t believe where I’m at. The depression, the pain, the aches, the uncertainty.  I’ve become everything I said I didn’t want to become. I’ve let someone get the best of me on so many levels.  I’ve become a narcissist. I’ve become obsessed.  I’ve become my mother. I’ve become my grandmother. I’ve become a person who I despise to look at in the mirror.  There’s days I don’t want to live. 

11:21 am… 

“It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard.  Loving you is a battle, and we both end up with scars..”

12:30 pm…

Now playing….Ne-Yo Partof the List….

The things that I miss.  

3:52 pm…

Its time.  If i dont let it go I will die.  The pain will ultimately kill me.  I have so much other crap going on in my life.  Depression is real. Addiction is real.  Overcoming those things, on your own, while battling each other is the hardest challenge I’ve ever had to face.  The dark place that I’m in is so deep.  The depths of despair that I am in is so ugly.  The agony I feel when im sober cuts deeper than a machete piercing skin.  The temporary relief I feel when Pablo enters my body makes it all better. Then reality sets in.  The disaster I call a life is real.  

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s