Today is trash day. It’s time to remove the toxic waste from my life. The toxic waste is BD, my family, and Pablo.
I keep giving myself to a man that turned me into the monster that I am today. I keep obsessing & arguing with a girl that contributed to my downfall. And for what? I have to take back control because if I don’t, I will continue this. This will eventually turn into death.
The mini vaca was refreshing but it definitely wasn’t long enough. My mind raced. Maybe because I was sober, maybe because I’m just crazy.
What I do know is my life is in shambles & I don’t know how to get it back on track. I still struggle to this day with letting go. I know sleeping with BD isn’t the smartest thing. I know I can’t separate the two. I can lie to myself everytime I get the urge but at the end of the day the feelings are still there. And I Know they arent reciprocated.
Numb. No pain. No thoughts. Enjoying the euphoria, the sensation, the state of utter calm that I am in. The few thoughts I have are clear. I know what I need to do. I know what’s good for me and what’s not. One step at a time. One disconnection at a time. I’m strong enough. Hell I’ve been through worse. Well maybe not. But either way, I got this!