5.2.2017

10:50 am…

Today is trash day. It’s time to remove the toxic waste from my life.  The toxic waste is BD, my family, and Pablo.  

I keep giving myself to a man that turned me into the monster that I am today.  I keep obsessing & arguing with a girl that contributed to my downfall. And for what? I have to take back control because if I don’t, I will continue this.  This will eventually turn into death. 

The mini vaca was refreshing but it definitely wasn’t long enough.  My mind raced. Maybe because I was sober, maybe because I’m just crazy.  

What I do know is my life is in shambles & I don’t know how to get it back on track.  I still struggle to this day with letting go.  I know sleeping with BD isn’t the smartest thing.  I know I can’t separate the two. I can lie to myself everytime I get the urge but at the end of the day the feelings are still there. And I Know they arent reciprocated. 

4:19 pm….

Numb.  No pain. No thoughts. Enjoying the euphoria, the sensation, the state of utter calm that I am in. The few thoughts I have are clear. I know what I need to do. I know what’s good for me and what’s not. One step at a time. One disconnection at a time. I’m strong enough. Hell I’ve been through worse. Well maybe not. But either way, I got this! 

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