5.11.17

It’s not even noon & I’m faded. Trying to stay awake, trying to think positive, trying to be in the right mindset to deal with people, trying to make it to 4:30. 

Every 15-20 minutes it’s time for another.  Block out everything.  I dont care how much it takes. Numb the pain. Numb the agony. Numb all internal feelings.

Will I numb too much?  Honestly, at this point, I really don’t care. Nothing has been going right.  I keep setting myself up for failure.  I keep letting irrelevant beings get the best of my world. Defeat after defeat. I know own better yet I indulge. I know the outcome yet I keep on. 

I liked me better when I didn’t care. I liked me better when I was evil & spiteful. I liked me better when I was vengeful.  At least that me was on top of her game. That me took no sh*t. That me was ready for anything & anyone.  

Come back me….

I spend time obsessing over things that are unhealthy & unnecessary.  

Failure.  Inadequate. Useless. Unwanted.  Mistake. All the words that can be used to describe how I view myself at all times. Why am I even here?  

Time to numb….

When loyal people are pushed to the point of no return, that’s when they become dangerous. My mindset right now is so clouded with so many harsh ideas it’s scary. Should I?  Shouldn’t I? Why not?  It’s a lose/lose so who cares! 

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