Empty. Alone. Not here. One of a thousand different ways I am feeling. Incomplete. A failure. Not worthy. A nuisance. A regret. A mistake. Sober.
How did I get to this point? How did I become so miserable. How did I fail not only myself but my kids as well? The place that I’m at right now is such a lonely place. Feeling like your the only person here. Realizing that there’s no way out. Thoughts that have never crossed my mind before are at the forefront.
Who would miss me? Who would hate me? Is this me or “Pablo”? Heaven or Hell? Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. My boys! The men I love for. I have no family. I have no friends. What would become of them? Would they stay together? Would they be separated? Would they hate me?
The fire that once burned so bright is dim. Wasting away until the flame goes out. Question is, how will it burn out….
I spend time away from them numbing the pain. Indulging so I don’t feel. Often not caring that it maybe one to many. My heart begins to race, blank stares comes over me. The feeling is the best feeling in the world. Then it ends.
Time for another…and another…and another.
Body begins to tingle. Heart pounds so hard I know someone else can hear it. This is it! My unheard wishes are coming true! Then it stops….
Time for another… and another… and another…
When will it end?